Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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