Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
