You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
