my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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