She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
