Ambien. No doubt about it.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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