Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
