I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
