Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
