he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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