he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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