You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
