I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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