I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I didn't notice because vodka
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
