and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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