you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
