I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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