remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
