I cannot find my penis.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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