Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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