I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
