I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
