you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
