so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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