Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I need moral support for this bender
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
