the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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