Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
