walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
