bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
