I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
