How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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