i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
