she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
