I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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