remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Of course I have a pirate flag
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
