I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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