i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
