Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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