I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
