Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
