I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
