we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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