Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize