I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
