He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
