You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
