Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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