Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
