When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
