I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
