It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.