So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
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