my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
im six kinds of drunk right now
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
