i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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