and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
